Feb 02

Al Gore and the rest of the environmentalists have scared our children, and now they are starting to point fingers:

Dear Dr. Donohue — My daughter complains that I flatulate more often than most individuals. Furthermore, she claims that the gas an individual passes contributes to global warming. I don’t know if I am physically able to keep my gas to myself to go green. Is my daughter really right?

Is your daughter for real? No human can stop the production of intestinal gas. Every human passes gas, including your daughter. People do so from 10 to 20 times a day.Colon bacteria are responsible for gas production.

The major gases in colon-produced gas are nitrogen, carbon dioxide, methane and hydrogen. Traces of sulfur-containing gases are responsible for its unpleasant odor.

Greenhouse gases — the gases that blanket the earth and warm it— include carbon dioxide, methane, nitrogen and fluorocarbons. Most of the carbon dioxide that contributes to greenhouse effect comes from the use of fossil fuels — gas, oil, gasoline and coal. The majority of methane gas that adds to the greenhouse effect is derived from livestock, coal mining, drilling for oil and from garbage landfills.

Carbon dioxide is the byproduct of many industrial processes. If your daughter is truly worried over your contribution to the greenhouse effect, she should realize that her breathing contributes a significant amount of carbon dioxide to it. She blows out carbon dioxide with each exhalation. Humans contribute more than 30 billion tons of carbon dioxide to the yearly production of this greenhouse gas. No one suggests we stop breathing.

Hat tip: Dave Barry

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Aug 14

This story is ridiculous, but here’s the low-down: Kangaroos fart less than cattle. Therefore, if Aussies (and the rest of us) eat more Kangaroos instead of beef, that will reduce the number of cattle (and their GHG methane farts), thereby saving the planet! Got it? Good.

With apologies to Forrest Gump’s buddy, Bubba, Kangaroo can be prepared in a variety of yummy ways to, um, save the planet:

Anyway, like I was sayin‘ mate, Kangaroo is the fruit of The Outback. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, Aussie Kangaroo Pie, Barbecued Kangaroo Fillet, Kangaroo Kebabs, Kangaroo Cocktail, Kangaroo Loin on Wilted Greens, Marinated Kangaroo with Port and Prunes, Lemon-Spinach Roast Kangaroo, Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple Kangaroo, lemon Kangaroo, coconut Kangaroo, pepper Kangaroo, Kangaroo soup, Kangaroo stew, Kangaroo salad, Kangaroo and potatoes, Kangaroo burger, Kangaroo sandwich. That- that’s about it mate.

Hat tip: Newsbusters

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